We Didn't Join a Cult...

We joined an inspired, loving, revolutionary group of people. We joined a band of believers who left their “normal” lives to build a better world. They were the bravest folks we’d ever known.

They rose early in the morning to pray, chant, and meditate. They studied scriptures. But not only this: they also sought to heal the world through organic gardening, ethical business practices, and God-centered creative expression. It was a whole lifestyle.

We trusted the people that we met, so we came to trust their leader. We called him “Murshid,” or “guide” in Arabic.

We came to believe that he was divinely inspired, connected through a lineage to the Prophet Muhammad. We came to trust him completely, to seek his guidance in all aspects of our lives. We vowed to obey him, to consult with him and follow his instructions. We believed that his instructions, even when they seemed strange or uncomfortable, were always in our best interest to follow. He had always been right about people’s problems, hidden agendas and emotional issues, that we believed he knew us better than we knew ourselves.

He advised us in our decisions about our marriages, our jobs, and our children. We sought his guidance regarding where we would live. In everything we did, we strove to give everything of ourselves, to empty ourselves and fill ourselves with him. We did this because we believed that, by being close to him, we would be closer to God.

There were times when we felt hurt or angry, ashamed, or uncomfortable about the way he talked to us and the things he asked us to do. But we believed that these feelings were a sign of our weakness and we had to “trust the process”. We only had to pray harder and that any conflict we were experiencing showed us where we needed to grow, to strive harder to see the world the way he did. He was always right, and we were always lacking in insight. We pushed those feelings down, repressed them, stored them. We tried to let them go through our practices of prayer and meditation. We threw ourselves into our lifestyle. We ideated on Murshid’s face, his countenance, willing ourselves to make him the center of our thoughts, words, and actions.

We stayed in this relationship for 5, 10, 15, 20, some of us for more than 20 years. We tried during this time to find the peace he promised us. We would never break our promise to him. We wouldn’t be like those others who left, who gave up.

So many of our friends – others who had made the promise – had given up before the finish line. They turned their backs on him, on us, on God, “after we’d given them everything,” said Murshid. Murshid told us that they were mentally ill, or self-consumed. “She blew out,” he would say. “Can you believe it, after she promised to stay forever? That’s human ego for you,” he said. People we had known for years faded away, or never came back to visit again. Sometimes they literally disappeared overnight, leaving nothing in their rooms or houses but some furniture. They left no word about their whereabouts. “They couldn’t even keep up a simple relationship,” said Murshid.

Often we had seen how difficult their situation was. Murshid was really tough on them, criticized them harshly in front of the whole group, called them out for not staying in communication, not fulfulling their promises, not paying attention to “what is going on”. We knew it was excruciating to be in “their situation” but that was our training: to take the abuse, be in the heat of it so that our egos could be destroyed, cleansed, free. Those who couldn’t take it, left.

We more often than not didn’t talk to these people about their struggles. Sometimes we never saw them again. They just didn’t matter anymore.

Then COVID came. T decided to protect his mother by social distancing, and Murshid mocked him for it. Like so many of us, he had had so many conflicting issues with Murshid’s orders. This was the last straw. How could a spiritual master want him to put his mother in harm’s way? This baffling instruction – plus having the space to think because of lockdown – caused T to “blow out.” His 23 years of submission was no longer sustainable. Soon, he began to write and talk on camera about his experiences, and he posted them online.

Others who had already left started to see these videos and writings, and we started to find each other. We talked to each other about what we’d learned about our time in the group, and the problems we’d identified. We shared about our healing. Most importantly, we began to cooperate in our studies about groups that use coercion, about narcissistic leaders who manipulate their followers. We found that our experiences were identical to those who had been in other abusive or extremist groups. Over time, we started to use the word “cult” to describe the group we had left.

We believe, now, that the group is a cult, and that “murshid” is not what he says. We believe, in our experience, that he is a narcissistic, abusive leader.

This conclusion became even more real when Alainna came forward with her story of sexual abuse at his hands. When this story became public, other women we know shared that he had done the same to them. At this point, many people left the group. Whatever fantasy we still had about the group’s goodness was over.

This website is our attempt to put all of the disparate information about the group together into one place. It is a resource for those who have left or who are thinking about leaving this group or another group. We’ve learned that these groups are eerily similar to one another.

Also, we would like this website to act as a safe space for those who would like to share their experiences. You can share here anonymously or with your name. Your words are important, and your feelings are valid. We were taught that they were not. It was a lie.

You Can Walk Away. You Are Not Alone